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Although many of us accept stress as an unavoidable and difficult to deal with by-product of modern life you don’t have to buy into this negative and damaging belief system.
Jeff Turner considers stress management from a new and more constructive perspective.
Discover how to view stress from a different perspective and turn it to your advantage!
Several years ago when I first started coaching stress management I decided the best way to tackle it was to focus on the solution rather than the problem. I offered my clients the techniques that I had found most useful myself, drawing on my experience of Yoga and Meditation to help them to achieve deep levels of relaxation and inner calm. This proved very effective with many of the people who consulted me, however there were some people for whom the benefits were short lived, or who, from the outset, experienced difficulty in coming to terms with the idea that stress management is really within their control. After a while I began to recognise a pattern; that unlike me, some people believe that stress is an unavoidable by-product of modern life - often linking it with their career, job position or level of personal success.
Take the example of ‘Peter’; a successful businessman running his own business. He came to one of my stress management seminars, and then consulted me later as a private client. Peter was quite desperate.
He felt his life was falling apart and he was “cracking- up”. He was not sleeping for more than a few hours a night. He was tense and irritable and believed his staff disliked him. He would lose his temper at the least thing and not only had he become a heavy drinker but he was using various prescription and non-prescription drugs in an effort to relax. He rarely saw his children; his marriage was on the rocks after twelve years; and although he was only in his late thirties, he seemed to have lost interest in sex. He told me he was usually either too bored, too tired or too drunk. His wife was firmly convinced that he was seeing another woman, whereas in fact he was working even longer hours to make up for his reduced performance at work.
After some discussion it was obvious that Peter was motivated by strong ‘away from’ patterns. This is an NLP term which means he was more motivated by ‘the stick’ than ‘the carrot’; in other words, he was more motivated by the prospect of things going wrong then by pleasure or reward. He had come from a deprived background and was determined not to be poor, whatever the cost. Now he was finding that the cost was way too high! He shared a common belief that stress was an integral and unavoidable part of his life.
Peter attended half a dozen coaching sessions and was able to make a radical shift in thinking. This was possible because rather than simply dealing with the problem on a behavioural level, we were simultaneously considering both the positive and negative aspects of stress and, in particular, looking at beliefs about what stress really is (as well as his ability to cope with it
Peter realised that while a little stress had been motivating, at some point he had “lost control of his life”, a common experience when levels of stress become too high.
Peter's story is fairly typical of many of the stressed businessmen and women I work with. In order to have the maximum impact, we had first to clarify the generally ambiguous use of the word 'stress'. I re-framed the
usual concept of stress, choosing to call it ‘pressure’ instead
What is stress?
Stress is what happens to us when the demands made on us (pressure) exceed our ability to cope. The point at which we experience stress is not the same for everyone. In my stress management seminars I use the equation:
PRESSURE minus CONTROL = STRESS
to emphasise the fact that it is only once we experience feelings of loss of control that we begin to experience the negative effects.
The diagram below shows the point at which pressure becomes too great, the individual experiences feelings of losing control and an unresourceful ‘stressed’ state results
We all need pressure in our lives. Pressure is, after all, another way of describing motivation. We need motivation to get out of a warm bed in the morning, to go to work and to perform well. It is when we feel that we are not in control of some aspect of our lives that motivation turns into stress. The right sort of motivation always enhances performance, whereas stress does not.
Effects of stress
So stress occurs at the point at which pressure from any source starts to affect the individual on any level in an adverse way. The effects can be devastating: anything from anxiety to panic attacks; feelings of losing control to complete overwhelm; from broken sleep patterns to insomnia and poor health, including anything from colds to cancer!
Dealing with stress
In order to manage stress effectively it is necessary to first recognise the signs, then to devise a workable strategy that will both encourage deeper levels of relaxation and counteract the stress-reinforcing habits that have often developed (undetected) over a long period of time.
Impact of Identity and Belief
I find that most people who are stressed combine aspects of identity and belief in the problem. They may consider, for example ”successful people like me can’t escape stress, it goes with the territory” or “everyone doing my job suffers from stress”. Sometimes they will rationalise the symptoms of stress they are experiencing “I’m just a moody person and I suppose as I get older I’m more prone to irritability” or “I just have a shorter fuse than other people, that’s all”. There are also those people who believe they are “just not very good at dealing with stress.”
Peter described himself as a perfectionist. For him, something he did was both right and perfect or it wasn't. Everything was black or white without any shades in between. Despite the fact that he was financially secure and had a great deal going for him, he thought he should be doing more. Although his income was in six figures, he still did not consider himself to be successful enough. I pointed out to him that this was one of the traps of a perfectionist mentality.
People who strive for perfection, rather than improvement, will usually be disappointed. They are working too hard to achieve the impossible. Perfection will *always* continue to remain just out of reach. Peter's definition of success was having a fixed sum of money in the bank, whilst he gave himself no credit for the fact that he was already well on the way to achieving it. It was as if success was something that was either 'on' or 'off' - like a light switch - rather than continuing at differing levels, like a dimmer.
He also had a loving family he valued yet rarely saw. People who consider themselves achievers may devote too much of their time to work and never achieve balance in their lives.
You might like to consider: Does your belief in who you are have an effect on your stress levels?
I encourage people to try out different identities: if some people are able
to deal with larger amounts of pressure, without becoming victims of stress,
then why shouldn't you? What would it be like if you were able to cope
with much more pressure than you normally do?
Consider for example the prospect of making a speech. Does this precipitate
a panic attack in you? Note that for some people e.g. a politician or a
barrister, making a speech will leave them perfectly relaxed. An actor or
performer could feel excited or even elated. I have even heard Anthony
Robbins, a highly successful motivational speaker and life coach, compare
addressing an audience of several thousand to having sex!
Change stressful beliefs
Few people realise the amount of control they can have over how they think and feel.
The belief that stress is an inevitable by-product of modern life and is difficult to control seems cultural and all pervasive. Often people who attend my stress management seminars have bought into this unconstructive
belief system, even though we can all name many examples of people who happily cope in situations that (we think) would overwhelm us. I believe this is because the latter have already made a distinction between
motivational pressure and stress and have an inherent belief in their own ability to cope. Simply believing that pressure is useful and motivating can help reduce stress and give the individual increased confidence in their own abilities. When you believe something is easy: then it is.
By identifying beliefs that increase rather than reduce stress and changing them it is possible to have much greater control of your mental and emotional state. Few people realise the amount of control they can have over how they think and feel.
By identifying what beliefs you have that increase rather than reduce stress, and changing those beliefs to more positive ones, it is possible to have much greater control of your mental and emotional state.
You may not be able to control every difficult situation you find yourself in, but you can control your response to it.
Capabilities
Confidence increases with competence. The more ways you can learn to relax and enjoy yourself the more prepared you are for the trials and tribulations of everyday life. These skills have more impact when the individuals no longer see themselves as prone to stress and unable to deal with it.
When people go to the doctor suffering from stress or stress related conditions they are usually prescribed drugs, which only deal with the symptoms; or they may be advised “You must relax more” without being told how this might be achieved.
Here are a couple of the techniques I recommend:
Three Minute Focus
This is a simple but incredibly powerful focusing and centring exercise that is ideal for starting a relaxation or meditation session. I was lucky enough to be shown it on my Practitioner training and have used it successfully both personally and with clients ever since.
If at all possible sit quietly and alone. Make yourself comfortable in whatever position suits you best. However, do maintain an upright, open posture with no restriction to breathing. With a little practice you will find that you can even use this exercise in a busy office or on the bus and as the name suggests it only takes three minutes!
1) Close your eyes and take a few long deep breaths making sure you feel your abdomen moving and not just your chest. When you are settled allow your consciousness to move out beyond the space you are in and only pay attention to sounds and ‘sensations’ you are receiving from outside.
Focus your attention in this way for about a minute.
2) Draw your awareness inwards to the space immediately around you. For the next minute only pay attention to sounds and sensations in the room you are sitting or your immediate vicinity.
3) For the last minute of this exercise draw your attention inwards yet again. Be aware of what is going on inside. Listen only to those sounds within your body: the sound of your breathing or your pulse. You will probably become aware of many sounds and sensations that you were not conscious of prior to doing this. I like to end this exercise by asking, “What is the smallest sound you are aware of?”
At this point you can give yourself a moment to come back to the here and now or slip into another exercise such as the Bodyscan.
Bodyscan
This is an exercise I used to refer to as the Yoga scan as I have encountered it in several forms with different yoga teachers. It is, for me, one of the most effective exercises for encouraging progressive relaxation and also for increasing self-awareness.
Imagine sending your consciousness on a journey around your body. As you travel around the body allowing it to relax you also become increasingly aware of those areas where you habitually carry tension. This knowledge alone is useful since once you know about it you can do something about it.
1) Either sit comfortably in a chair or lie flat. If you are lying down you may find it more comfortable to support your head with a cushion. People who have back problems may find it easier to bend their knees.
2) Choose a starting point for the ‘scan’. It could be your head, your hands or your feet, for example. Personally I like to start with the feet and work up.
The important thing is to become aware of as much of your body as you can, thinking about each individual muscle in turn and allowing it to relax. I often talk people through this exercise and sometimes when trying it for the first time they tell me they tried very hard to relax but couldn’t. My advice is always the same, “Don’t try at all, just allow it to happen”.
3) So first think about your toes, each individual toe in turn. When you are happy that they are relaxed work your way along each foot thinking about each muscle on every side. Then concentrate on your ankles moving up your lower legs relaxing your calves, shin muscles etc. to your knees, from your knees to your thighs and so on. Give yourself enough time to travel around the whole body. You will probably encounter areas of tension. If you find it difficult just allowing certain muscles to relax you may find it more useful to tense them and then let go. This gives a contrasting sensation to compare with.
4) If you let go of tension on an out breath and synchronise the relaxation of muscles with your breathing you will probably find the effects are heightened. The most important thing to remember is to not get stressed out by trying too hard!
The Bodyscan can take anything from 20-40 minutes to complete and like the Three Minute Focus can be practised at the office, once you have become proficient at it.
Behaviour
“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”.
I find it useful to treat stress as a habit helping people retrain out of the ‘fight or flight’ syndrome when it is inappropriate. Keep an eye on your habits; especially those that contribute to stress, such as working for too long, not giving yourself a break, or generally treating yourself unfairly. Understand that balance in life is essential to happiness, well-being and is a significant factor in reducing stress. Try incorporating regular relaxation sessions; possibly involving Yoga, Meditation, or one of the techniques described above.
Environment
Work done on an environmental level involves identifying places, people and situations that are potentially stressful and either finding ways to avoid or work around them. The world is only a stressful, hostile place if you allow it to be. Traffic jams and long checkout lines may be unavoidable but reacting in counterproductive, stress-inducing ways are not!
Not everyone realises the importance of preparation and are disappointed when they do not get the maximum from the techniques they already know. Always consider your environment when practising a relaxation exercise. Find the most restful place you can, at the office this might even be the ‘restroom’. If you choose to unwind at your desk at least tell the switchboard to hold your calls for the next half hour. Failing that, take the phone off the hook and tell your co-workers that you would like not to be interrupted. Make life easier for yourself and plan your relaxation sessions: Failing to plan is planning to fail!
There are many more ways to deal with stress using both physical and mental processes.
I find that the formula varies according to the individual so the most useful advice I can give is “if it works - do it!” Make stress work for you rather than against you.
In Peter’s case he was able to use the knowledge he gained about himself and how he operated to increase his performance and personal effectiveness and turn stress into success.
© Jeff Turner